in which my characters run amok

Me: You're not having sex in this chapter of the novel.

Novel Characters: What.

Me: You had sex five times in the last three chapters, which was five more times than I'd originally planned.

Novel Characters: Your original plan sucked. You must admit, our way is much better.

Me: I'll admit it, but you're still not having sex in this chapter.

Novel Characters: Can we make out, at least?

Me: You can have one paragraph.

Novel Characters: We're taking four.

Me: Fine, but that's it for awhile.

Novel Characters: You just keep telling yourself that.

Protagonist: Oh, by the way, I'm not nearly as heterosexual as I originally thought.

Me: That shouldn't surprise me. Almost none of my novel protagonists turn out to be as heterosexual as they think.

Protagonist: Yay!