ratings, ratings, ratings

[gwynnega]

On yesterday's General Hospital:

Maxie: Spinelli, I am now completely, unconflictedly in love with you and sexually attracted to you. I want no one but you.

Spinelli: I'm pleased, but why the sudden change?

Maxie: You mean, why am I no longer giving Johnny lustful, conflicted glances and telling everyone who'll listen that, even though I love you and you're my essential person, I'm not that into you physically?

Spinelli: Well, I wish you hadn't elaborated, but yes, that.

Maxie: Haven't you seen the ratings, Spinelli? The ratings are down!

Spinelli: And what does that have to do with your sudden passionate ardor?

Maxie: Don't you get it, Spinelli? The fans wanted us to have a romance, but Bob Guza and Brian Frons didn't care. They were like, who cares what the fans want?

Spinelli: And...?

Maxie: GH has been the lowest-rated ABC soap a few times in recent months. Do the math, Spinelli! Guza and Frons have figured out they better care what the fans want--at least until the ratings go up, and then they can pull the rug out from under them again. So can we please have wild, romantic sex now, Spinelli?

Spinelli: Well, okay--but I think we had best drag this out for a week or two before we succumb to our passion. This is a soap opera, after all.

Maxie: [sighs] All right.

Meanwhile...

Carly: Michael's going to live at the Quartermaines.

Edward: Has hell frozen over?

Monica: Why do I suddenly have so many lines?

Carly: It's the ratings, guys. See, the fans love the Quartermaines, so Frons and Guza have made it their life's work to dismantle the family.

Monica: You're telling us.

Carly: But now the ratings are down. WAY down.

Monica: Is Michael really going to live with us?

Edward: Not in a million years, if you ask me. But maybe the writers can lure back a few errant viewers with false hope...